I had no idea how I should write about it.
Or if I should write about it.
Except that I knew that I needed to write it. So I went back to the how of writing it.
I try to read the assigned Read-Along chapters at least a couple of days before the post is "due" so that I have time to ponder and percolate. But every time I sat down to write Tuesday's post, I couldn't.
I started to pray about what I should write, which is probably what I should have done as soon as I read the chapters. I just hoped the words would magically come to me.
I prayed and then I sat down to write and the words still didn't come. I thought I would type the post before Bible study Monday night but it didn't happen. And then, while I should have been paying attention to the Beth Moore video, the words came. I suddenly knew the point of my reaction and how it was related and what God was trying to get through to me.
I Want Love came quickly together once I arrived back home from Bible study.
I hoped it was an accurate reflection. Actually, I hoped it was just plain coherent.
I never expected the outpouring of supportive comments. I definitely didn't expect that my experiences, past and present, would be encouraging to someone else. I've shared my story of past depression and suicidality for so long now that I don't always remember the impact it has on listeners. I worry that I write about my struggle with being single too much, that I'll be viewed as complaining about the same old thing. Even though the link between my self-esteem and marital status was revelatory to me, I didn't think it would minister to anyone else.
"He will allow situations that put a spotlight on the yet unsurrendered places of your heart that may trip others up." -p.86The response I received was humbling and such an unexpected blessing. I think it also helped sink these particular lessons a little further down into my soul.
Chapter 6 mentions what it would be to have an "awakened heart." I love the idea of my heart hurting for what hurts God's heart, not for the sake of pain but to be able to view the world through His eyes. Living a life that intentionally seeks depth and authenticity in all relationships. Remaining open to the process of sanctification. Caring for others out of compassion and kindness, especially when I could use some of that myself. Seeing beyond myself. Reaching the lost. Truly loving people. Growing.
I aspire to have an awakened heart. I aspire to be transparent.
I want this blog to become a community of awakened hearts. But it's like many things in life: sometimes we must be the change we wish to see.
This post was written for the @StickyJesus Read-Along hosted by Michelle Sarabia.
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